s4ep3 recap – blah blah blah in Bon Temps

blah blah blah

Find out who’s talking to who after the jump…

You know who’s talking to who? Everyone. Everyone’s talking in this ep, no one is doing. Really, dick all happens. And the things that do happen are stupid. And even the talking is generally stupid and accomplishes less than nothing. Remember all the good things I said last week? Ignore them. Pretend they never happened. Having not read the books, I don’t know if the stupidity of this show comes from there or from Alan Ball or from crappy writers. I don’t care. All I know is that after a doozy last week, this show took a huge step back to making me nauseous, and it’s not the all the vodka I drank to try and get through this ep. OK, let’s get this over with.

We pick up right where we left off with a shirtless Eric and Sookie. Eric is doing the amnesia acting some justice as he really seems to be clueless and wants to know what Sookie is. He’s just adorable. Still not adorable enough for Sookie, who drives off. Eric catches up, quickly!

Awesome sexy freaky credits.

So Sookie punches Eric for no reason. Eric responds by speaking that Scandinavian language of his. Sookie finally gives in and will help Eric. She brings him home, pretends he doesn’t own the house, and then she washes his dirty feet. Mary Magdalene anyone? Well, I’ll give her the whore part. Pam comes by and tells Sookie to babysit Eric or he’s dead blah blah blah, Bill probably set him up. Even Pam gets dragged down into the stupidity of the ep. Eric later looks more adorable in baggy shorts and cut off hoodie (Jason’s?). Eric seems to be going through vampire puberty again along with appropriate 80’s-sounding soundtrack.

So Sookie needs help hiding Eric, so she finds… (drum roll) Alcide! I would be excited, but this visit accomplishes less than nothing except blah blah blah. Alcide is living with Debbie, who seems to have found Jesus (the Savior, not Lafayette’s bf) and is sober. She was way more interesting as a crazy fucking V-head. Sookie leaves. When she gets home, Eric has vanished. Obviously, he couldn’t take that much Sookie. I don’t blame him.

Over in Hotshot, I hate this storyline. There’s an old dude telling stories about sky people and panthers and ghost mama and ghost daddy and nature and blah blah blah. I assume this is all supposed to be interesting backstory about the origins of werepanthers, but I couldn’t care less. Anyway, Jason will become a panther at the next full moon. Crystal tells Jason he’s the new ghost daddy and mixes up some delicious Mexican Viagra. Crystal then fucks (rapes?) Jason wildly, soon to be a followed by all the contestants in the Miss Teen Hotshot Contest. And the Miss Pre-teen Hotshot Contest.

Bill and Portia have a lovely dinner together where she blah blah blahs about sex and he blah blah blahs about how he could never love her. They have sex, but it’s not even interesting.

So there are uh, “citizen journalists” I guess out there entrapping Vamps to get them on Youtube videos. They even have a website! King Bill doesn’t like his wards getting caught on tape, so he executes them (true death style). Sucks to be you, nameless vamp with Youtube hits. Jessica comes by to visit Bill while he’s executing. They… talk! I know, try to hold your incredulity. At least it’s sort of sweet in a daddy-daughter kind of way. Jessica confesses about the other dude at Fangtasia, and Bill tells her to confess to Hoyt. Later she does, and Hoyt is none too pleased. Jessica feels terrible, so she makes it all better by glamming him. Even these two, whom I love, are getting boring.

OK quick hit recaps: Andy is still on V and he’s getting worse, Arlene freaks out when Jessica gives her baby a creepy old doll that just refuses to leave home, and Tommy is back to being an asshole, trying to scam Maxine out of her house which may be valuable.

On to the witches, which, are back to being stupid. Marnie is pissed Eric tried to kill her, and they all blah blah blah about freedom of religion for witches. Tara and Jesus and Lafayette blah blah blah and Laf wants to go see Eric and beg for mercy or something and blame Marnie. Look Laf, if Eric wanted to fuck you up he’d have done it already. Tara is worried about Laf, and talks about it. She talks with Sookie about it, and Sookie who could just solve this mess by saying Eric has amnesia, doesn’t say anything. Stupid Sookie. Tara blah blah blahs with Sam while they drink Tequila, and it’s the most pointless conversation in this episode, and that’s saying something. Lafayette runs off to Fangtasia to talk with Eric, with Tara and Jesus right behind him. They find Pam who tells them they have 24 hours to bring Marnie to her. They should do that in real time, over 24 eps in a season, with the main characters torturing people along the way. There’s a show I’d watch.

Over at Marnie’s, where she doesn’t know how she got rid of Eric at the coven, she’s blah blah blahing to a candle. She’s trying to call dead spirits with no luck. After slicing her own wrist, she does manage to call a spirit to her room; it seems to be the same spirit chick her face turned into last week. This is a lot less interesting than it sounds, and I hope this role doesn’t kill Fiona Shaw’s career.

We close out back at Sookie / Eric’s (as Sookie reads a Charlaine Harris book, groan) with Claudine her fairy godmother showing up to take her away to fairyland. They blah blah blah about how Claudine protected her over the years and, really? Anyway, Eric shows up from being missing, realizes he needs to protect Sookie maybe and thus bites the shit out of Claudine. There’s some glowy light, Claudine turns into the goblin side of her species, and then explodes in more glowy light. THE END, thank god.

True Blulz

“I know I’m a vampire, Snooki.” (Eric)
“I will personally eat, fuck and kill all three of you.” (Pam)
“You just killed my fairy godmother.” “Sorry” *sheepish apologetic grin* (Sookie / Eric)

Grade: C minus minus minus. I reserve D’s and F’s for episodes that are truly awful, and Eric’s sweetness and comedy in this ep saved it from that territory. But not by much.


6 Responses to “s4ep3 recap – blah blah blah in Bon Temps”

  1. July 11, 2011 at 11:05 am

    This was all the writers since they’re veered pretty off course from the books. The episode felt really unfocused and more scattered than usual (for True Blood).

    I’m still not sold yet on the big bad of the season. Is it really supposed to be Marnie? Her?

  2. 4 bea.habs.fan
    July 11, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    I’m going to join the consensus and yawn. thnak god for Eric whose scrumptiousness made this bareable. I wish things would speed the fuck up.
    I can’t even say I felt sorry for Jason, but what do you expect when you fall for Crystal (I hated that whole story arc last year).
    I think they’re putting so many books together that even the writers ahve trouble keeping track of all their storylines!

  3. 6 steve
    July 14, 2011 at 8:56 am

    Finally watched the episode and probably due to the reviews here my expectations were low. First I am concerned the breast views are very brief, secondly I agree they have to find the central conflict for the season or are we going to have a series of loosely connected vignettes? The ending with the demise of the fairy godmother was great.

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