s4ep9 recap – threesome!

Find out who’s having a threesome after the jump. Or just look at the banner pic. Fuck spoilers anymore…

Moshi moshi TB’ers! We are coming into the home stretch now, just three more eps to go after this one. Maybe they will be awesome!!! Hahaha, no, they are going to suck. Like this whole season is turning into one giant suck. Last night just, well, hmm, uhhh, whatevs. It was there. More stupid shit happened. Since I need to get this over with already, and we need some way to keep me entertained, we’re gonna twist up the recap format a bit. Readers of my other gig know that

• I am a big fan of bullet points.

So let’s whip out some bullets to recap all the stupid shit that happened last night. It should be both convenient and possibly entertaining, as I find it easier to be snarky in the bullet point format. Let’s do this!

• I know this will be a big surprise to you, but Sookie’s bullet wound from the end of last ep was not fatal! Bill takes over the Sookie-saving from Alcide and gives her some blood and she’s fine. Crap!
• The still-awesome freaky sexy opening credits are the best part of the show this year;
• Martonia is turning nasty what with all the graveyard fighting and her coven ain’t too happy with it. Especially Tara, who now has gone from “all vampires have wronged me let’s kill them all” to “fuck off Martonia, some vampires saved my life and they are just misunderstood and I love them” in the blink of an eye. Martonia is having none of this little wiccan rebellion, so she keeps them all prisoner, and plans to really fuck up a “Festival of Tolerance” the vamps are gonna have;
• With Sookie alive and only caring about Eric, Alcide is finally done with all the Sookie crap. If only it lasts;
• Luna is scared of Marcus (the Shreveport pack head, whose name we need ’cause he’s all over this ep) but she won’t run away from her problems, so Sam has a plan to go camping in the middle of the night. Because going camping in the middle of the night is the exact opposite of running away? This is so stupid I can’t even begin to explain, but the story is at least partially saved by Sam adorably turning into a bunny for the kid and some hot Luna-Sam sex in a tent;
• Nan takes over the snarky female vamp role from Pam this week, and she’s not a bad substitute. Nan and Bill really go at it with snark while they’re chained up in the dungeon ‘o fun. She says that “Bloggers from across the country are already outside (the Festival of Tolerance) waiting”. I assure you as a blogger, I am not waiting. But I guess technically I’m not in the country. Wrap, you going?
• Hoyt wallows in the aftermath of the breakup, and packs up Jessica’s Taylor Swift CD’s and Twilight books;
• So Lafayette’s possessed French (Creole, maybe?) spirit is named Mavis. Now you don’t need to know that, because this whole storyline ends tonight. LaMavis takes the devil baby into Hoyt’s place, everyone (including a still-on-V Andy) goes running there, and I would like to point out that Jason is becoming a hell of a cop. He really rocks those Ray-Bans. Jason for sheriff! Anyway, Jesus does some magic juju on LaMavis, she gives the baby (which Andy said was his for some reason?) back to Arlene and Terry, Mavis is released and goes to heaven or something, and Lafayette is left holding a baby corpse. End of storyline. Moving on;
• So with both Bill and Eric’s blood in her, Sookie dreams of having a threesome with them. It’s not sexy at all. If anything it’s just more stupidity;
• Marcus comes looking for Sam wanting a meeting, but finds Tommy (who was leaving Sam a goodbye note). Tommy tries to help out his brother by shifting into him and taking the Marcus meeting (with once again Sam Trammell killing it as TomSam). TomSam gets the shit kicked out of him by the wolves for his troubles. This particular stupidity ends with Alcide, who is more of a pack guy now and seems to be getting grayer for some reason, saving Tommy from any further damage. Salt and pepper beards make you noble!
• Debbie takes some V and goes to help Sookie (with flowers!) and they go do some recon at Martonia’s. Huh? This goes as well as you might expect, with Sookie being stupid and screwing up. She does get some info though about the Festival ‘o Tolerance, and she finds Eric who is under a spell to Kill Bill Volume 3. She mind melds with Tara to discover Tara’s a hostage. Help me Sookie, like you always do! Good to see the old stupid Tara back. Not really;
• In the aftermath of the Creole baby hostage crisis, Hoyt and Jason hang. Hoyt asks Jason to take the Taylor Swift CD’s and Twilight books back to Jessica. Jason reluctantly agrees, and he is all sweet with Jess, not wanting to go into the house, so… they fuck like maniacs in the back of a pickup! We knew this would happen sooner or later, but it was still pretty hot, even with Taylor Swift playing over it;
• The big finale (such as it is) is the Festival ‘o Tolerance. At a hotel. Eric and some other vamps (I think they may even be the sheriffs we saw a few weeks back) who are also put under Martonia’s spell crash the party, and wreak havoc by throwing some disemboweled hired goons into the crowd. Then Eric goes after Bill, but Sookie has arrived just in time to tell Bill to RUN. I would like to run from this show sometimes.

True Blulz

“Werewolf, I’m gonna need you to shut the fuck up” (Bill, to Alcide)

“I got a theory. When you guys, uh, role play, does Lafayette ever turn into a woman named Mavis?” (Jason, to Jesus)

“For a badass werewolf, you drive like a girl” (Sookie, to Debbie)

“I might be parrot-phrasing, a little” (Jason, who else)

Grade: C. Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.