s4ep1 recap – losing my head in fairyland

Find out who’s ripping the heads off Barbie dolls after the jump…

Greetings and salutations and a big fucking WELCOME BACK TB’ers!!!! Yes, after the disaster that ended last season (I would be specific, but I’ve blocked it out of my mind. FOREVER.) we’re back with another season of everyone’s favourite sex and blood and monsters-of-the-season summertime romp. Well it was our favourite for a while. I’ve been thinking that over the last ten Sunday nights I’ve been watching one of the best shows I’ve seen in a long time, Game of Thrones. The quality gap between that HBO sex and blood fest and this HBO sex and blood fest is mind-boggling. Best not to think about it. On to the recapping!

We open where we left off, in the land of the douche commercial fairies. Though this year it seems like less of douche commercial and more like a bad wedding reception with everyone snacking on glowy fruit (called “lumiere” I think). Barry the bellboy is there chomping on the fruit, as is a new character, who Sookie calls “Granddaddy Earl”. Normally I’d say “meh, another Stackhouse” but Gramps is played by the always kick-ass Gary Cole. There’s a bit of a time problem though, as Gramps says “I just saw you” but Sookie says “that was 20 years ago”.

Awesome sexy freaky credits, which don’t seem to have changed.

Gramps and Sookie chat. Gramps says everything is lovely, but Sookie realizes it’s a trap and they need to leave. The Queen of the Fairies shows up, and when Sookie refuses her lumiere, shit goes bad. The lovely glowy world becomes dark, like the Lost island at dusk or something, though with less tropical stuff and more rocks. Oh, and all the pleasant fairies change into ugly freaky goblin type things? I’m not sure what they are, they just get ugly with pointy ears and tattered clothing. They all chase Sookie and Gramps, until they run into some more helpful goblin-fairies who say they can help. As the helpful goblin-fairies and the evil goblin-fairies throw glowy fire at each other, the helpful goblin-fairies take Sookie and Gramps to a giant hole and tell them to jump in to go home. Meanwhile there’s some fairy-goblin politics backstory about cutting off the fairy world from the real world or something. Already this plotline is boring me, and we’re five minutes in. Anyway, Gramps can’t go home because he already ate some lumiere, and Sookie is hesitant to jump. Gramps grabs Sookie and pushes her in basically and jumps with her. The two of them land back in Bon Temps cemetery, as we see both Eric and Bill react to her arrival. Gramps ain’t doing too well. Then Gramps dies. I’d be upset, but I really am not invested in the character after knowing him for 5 minutes. And you don’t hire Gary Cole for 5 minutes, so I’m sure we’ll see him again.

Sookie goes home amid protests from the workmen in front of it that she can’t go in there. The workmen call the cops on Sookie. The “cops” such as they are, is Jason! Wearing a uniform and everything. They all thought Sookie was dead, and it turns out she’s been gone for 12 and half months!

Let’s pause for a minute to let that soak in. I guess you could love or hate this move for the show. You could easily hate it because it’s a total copout to just avoid resolving whatever stupid shit happened at the end of last season. But I’ll be honest, I kind of liked it. The first three seasons of this show were only like two months of real time supposedly, which always drove me crazy. This way, we can finally have some character advancement. And it gives a good sci-fi feel to the fairyland if time works differently there, and I’m all one for sci-fi. So nice job show! This will be my last praising of the show in this review probably, so enjoy it.

The problem with the time jump as that the rest of the episode is basically just exposition as to what everyone has done for the last year, and I guess setting the table for the season to come. Which frankly made for a pretty fucking boring premiere. So let’s do what the show did and just go character by character and catch up with what they’re up to:

Bangs Magee (Bill) – trimmed his bangs! And misses Sookie. And is some sort of civic leader of Bon Temps. Oh, and is the FUCKING VAMPIRE KING OF LOUISIANA. So I guess he won his little fight with Sophie Anne.

Andy – still sheriff, but now hooked on V.

Jason – as mentioned, a cop. Sold Sookie’s house while she was gone. And he’s still taking care of the gang up at Hotshot while Crystal is missing. Until the gang at Hotshot lock him in a freezer by the end of the episode. OK then. Also, Jason seems less funny and more serious as a character. That’s really not helpful for the show. Though he seems to be smarter and more professional than Andy now, which is kind of funny in and of itself.

Lafayette and Jesus – Lafayette has a kick-ass Mohawk, and he’s got some serious attitude back, and the ability to bring dead birds back to life (temporarily at least). Unfortunately their story leads them to a coven of witches. If you thought werepanthers were a bad addition, you ain’t seen nothing yet. These witches are stupid and putting me to sleep already. Though one of the witches seems to be working for Bill or something? That might be interesting. I said might.

Terry and Arlene – are married and have had their devil baby. The devil baby is decapitating Barbie dolls as seen in the banner pic.

Tara – is now a lesbian mixed martial arts fighter in New Orleans named Toni. Read that again, it’s true and sounds like a decent twist. But only Tara can make lesbian cage fighting boring and annoying as hell.

Hoyt and Jessica – are living a not-so-blissful domestic life together. Though they have a funny thing with some uncooked scrambled eggs with shells. Later, they go to Fangtasia for a night out, and Jessica looks so hot dancing she is attracting other men, and she seems interested in them. Pam steps in to tell her she should get out and fuck more.

Alcide – does not appear in this episode.

Sam – is being a dick. He seems to have shot Tommy in the leg. Tommy, btw, is a now religious and hanging out with Hoyt’s mom. Sam is hanging out with some other shapeshifters who get drunk and turn into horses and go running.

Portia Bellefleur – is a new character who’s a lawyer and hangs out with Bill at his civic leader ceremonies. Sookie hires her to track down whoever bought her house. We’ll assume for now she’s related to the other Bellefleurs, though she knows what a Capuccino is unlike the rest of Bon Temps.

Eric – always believed Sookie lived. Has a great scene where he takes over from Pam and gives a kick-ass interview on TV for the American Vampire League while looking hot. As Suuuuuuee, my viewing companion last night said at the end of the ep, “Eric’s plunging neckline was the highlight of my viewing pleasure.”

The ep ends with Eric’s big reveal, that he was the one who bought Sookie’s house. No, really, that’s the cliffhanger – Bon Temps real estate deals. Eric says by owning the house he also owns Sookie. He should have gotten a discount for that.

True Blulz

“Toilets are for humans only. Do I need to explain why?” (Pam)

“We even made up a website” (Jason)

“You owe me a plaque!!!” (Andy)

“I’ll stay for 5 minutes. 10 if they got drinks” (Lafayette)

Grade: C.  As I said, I liked the time jump. The rest, pretty meh. For a season opener, you would like to be able to say “can’t wait for the season!” I did not say that last night.