s3ep11 – live recap experiment

As there are no screencaps yet, I get to choose a picture I like

Spoilers and an explanation after the jump…

Greetings TB’ers! Due to circumstances beyond my control… no wait that’s a lie, they’re totally under my control. ANYWAY, tomorrow I will be spending all day running around making copies and filling out forms and a bunch of other crap for my Master’s thesis which I will be submitting by the end of the day (FUCK YEAH WOOOO!!!111!!!). So I won’t have two hours in the morning that I usually need to create the crappy recaps you’ve come to know and love. But you need recapping! And since I can no longer stare at this stupid thesis anymore, I will watch True Blood. And I will recap it… LIVE! I’m just gonna type shit out as it happens (with a little help from the pause button on my PVR and Firefox’s built-in spell checker), give it an insta-grade and hit publish. Of course, my recap won’t be organized into “story lines” like they usually are, so who knows what will happen. There may also be bullet points. Should be awesome. Or an embarrassment. We’ll see how it goes. It’s an EXPERIMENT.

While I’m waiting for the ep to start, let’s just ramble a bit shall we? Do you realize that this is the NEXT TO LAST EPISODE???? And we have to wait two weeks for the finale because of the Labour Day weekend? That bites. Anyway, what happened this season? Anyone know? Sure, there were some vampire politics and werewolves and werepanthers and fairy douche commercials, but I kind of got the feeling that this whole season has been a bit all over the place, you know? Last year when we headed into the penultimate episode it at least felt like we knew where we were going, with Maryann and her shaky wackiness being the center of attention. Tonight, I have no idea what to expect or where we will go. Maybe the ep will bring the whole season into focus. Let’s hope. OK, they’re showing ads for Boardwalk Empire (looks fucking amazing btw) which means the ep is ready to go any minute so LET’S DO THIS THING.

We open with Bill arriving at Fangtasia looking for Sookie and he has a nice run-in with Pam who sprays him with silver, “in stock and overpriced at your neighbourhood health food store.” Bill’s eyes and face start to smoke. That was great.We need more Bill being in pain.

Awesome sexy freaky credits.

Sookie chained in the basement, and  Yvetta comes down and releases her, and they go upstairs and rescue Bill and tie up Pam. Bill and Sookie leave.

Lafayette and Jesus are chilling after their V trip. They’re both sort of freaking out about what they saw. Jesus wants to do more V. ADDICT. Laf sees Jesus turn into some weird monster thing, who knows with this show, but denies he saw anything even though he’s obviously freaked.

Jason and Crystal Meth are talking about her being a werepanther. “I thought it was shoplifting or something.” “My brain feels like scrambled eggs.” Crystal has to marry her half-brother?

Hoyt and Jess are making out. Rowr! Jess spoils the mood by admitting she killed that trucker. Hoyt doesn’t seem to care, god love him, and offers his own blood for drinking. So romantic!

At the Jackson Art Museum, Eric and Russell meet. Russell is still carrying the Talbot-urn btw. Eric explains the whole 1000 year-old vendetta. Eric has a proposition to avoid Russell killing him. He offers “day-walking”, the ultimate vampire dream, which will make Russell all powerful.

Bill and Sookie are driving and being annoying. I do not care to recap their bla bla bla.

Oh and here’s Tara, at Eggs’ grave crying. That is all.

At Merlotte’s, Holly is helping Arlene. Sam comes in all pissed in the angry sense and the drunk sense, being a dick to everyone, calling the waitresses bitches even.The waitresses leave, with salt.

Jason is out looking for Sookie, at a football field of course. QB1 is practicing at night, and seems to have a stronger arm than Dan Marino.

Summer goes crying to Hoyt’s mom, who wants Summer to be with Hoyt. Hoyt’s mom is quite racist toward Jessica. I’m not sure of the point of this.

Back at Merlotte’s, Tara talks with Andy. Actually, she just stares while Andy talks, then she says she knows about Eggs, calling him a dirty cop, and not doing much of anything else. Now Sam and Tommy are fighting, and Sam fires Tommy and generally continues to be a dickface. Sam then closes Merlotte’s for the night, though Tara won’t leave. OK then.

More Bill and Sookie in the car. Bla bla bla, marriage, bla bla. Then Eric and and Russell just appear in the road and stop the car. That was good.

OK here’s Holly and and Arlene with a circle of salt and a knife and a prayer to the Great Mother. Or maybe the Great Pumpkin. Holly is cooking up something in a pot, like the three witches of Macbeth. Add a drop of blood for flavour! Arlene drinks.

Back at the football field, Jason realizes QB1 is on V, which it turns out is an undetectable PED.

Lafayette is hearing things, and seeing talking dolls and figurines.

Eric, Russell, Bill and Sookie are back at Fangtasia. Russell: “soon there will be anarchy, and then there will be me.” Eric has a plan that he’s about to tell Bill.

Tara Sam bla bla nothing to see here. Or is there? They’re making googly eyes at each other while drinking Patron. That’s good tequila. Oh look, now they’re fucking! I told you it’s good tequila. While they’re fucking, Tommy does bad things.

Arlene dreams about fishing, and wakes up to see a bloody uterus, telling Terry the baby is lost.

Jason is back home with Crystal Meth and now seems ok with her werepanther-ness. She wants to go back to Hotshot to stop the DEA raid. Crystal has “double cousins.” Don’t we all?

At Fangtasia, Russell doesn’t believe that Sookie is a fairy. Eric explains she’s only a hybrid. Sookie doesn’t believe her blood is a “supernatural sunscreen,” but Bill tells her it’s true. Sookie is annoyed with Bill. I’m annoyed with Sookie. Russell is excited at the prospect of seeing daylight.

As it turns out, Arlene did not lose the baby, who’s a “strong little critter.” Arlene is thrilled. Not.

Eric to Pam: “You know I love you more when you’re cold and heartless.” Russell and Eric feast on Sookie. Eric walks out in the sun. The sun is bright! Eric lasts about a minute before smoking. Russell doesn’t see the smoke, and goes outside all excited. The sun is bright! After a few seconds of felling great, he turns to see Eric’s face burning up. Eric slaps some handcuffs on him, and says “be brave. We’ll die together.” Not a bad plan Eric. End credits.

Grade: D. Except for the ending, that was a pretty fucking useless episode. Especially for the second to last of the season. Remember when I said up top I hope this ep brings everything together? Well, not so much. And… publish.